I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
