i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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