I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
