if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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