It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize