No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
