the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
