Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
