SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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