I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
