If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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