I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
