I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize