The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
