Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
