I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
