allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You're like the curious george of whores
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
