The brown eye won't let me do that either.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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