I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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