perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
