omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
