Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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