I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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