if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
