Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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