I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
