i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
