What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
