my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
