3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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