weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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