this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
