Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
