Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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