My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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