So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
