we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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