Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
did i just pee glitter
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
