there was a trapeze. enough said
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize