I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
