i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
