Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There's always time for handjobs
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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