I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
