He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
