I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Farmville is her only friend.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
