i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
