Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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