Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
