Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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