Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
