Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
