someone threw a dead crab at me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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