Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
